Lessons from Obituaries

I read obituaries. This is not the first thing that I generally tell people about myself, but it is something that I do. I read obituaries for the stories. I have “met” some of the most interesting people by reading their obituaries.

Through obituaries I learn how people are related in the community. I may not know the deceased, but I may know their grandson or sister. I also learn the history of the area. You become familiar with local family names and their connections.

I also cut out and save favorite obituaries. I may be drawn to a touching description or a particularly heoric life. One of my favorite obits said “he enjoyed fixing things, Topsail Beach, golfing, NC State “college,” watching any team play any sport, flying the American flag, being waited on, bird dogs, sardines and saltines, cabbage, carrots, burnt toast, a good straw hat and fishing. He never ceased to amaze us with his many uses of duct tape and spray paint.*” When I read that obit I felt like his family really knew him and appreciated him. I can only hope that my own family will be able to list my favorite foods and past times.

I am often drawn to obituaries for folks from my parents' generation. I am particularly drawn to obits of women from my mom's generation. My mom was a child during the Roaring Twenties, spent her teens in the Great Depression, was a bride during World War Two, reared two daughters during the Fifties and Sixties, and retired in the Eighties. She did all this without ever really leaving “home,” Fort Wayne, Indiana.

So when I read obituaries about women of my mother's generation, I am curious as to what caused or motivated them to leave home. When I read local obituaries of women my mother's age who were born in California, Arkansas, Michigan, etc, I get curious. What was it about their lives that moved them such distances? What special set of circumstances or opportunities existed for these women?

For example, I recently read the obituary of Dorothy Nesbitt. She was born in Port Huron, Michigan in 1922. I knew Dorothy and had worked with her on some projects at the YWCA Lower Cape Fear. So when I read her obituary, I was intrigued to learn that she had left home at the age of 15 to join the School of the American Ballet. My own mother left Fort Wayne at about the same age to live with her father's uncle and wife in Birmingham, Alabama. Her aunt and uncle did not have children of their own so this would have been a real opportunity for my mother since she was one of ten children. So what factors helped Dorothy bloom as a result of leaving home at 15? What factors kept my mother from staying with her aunt and uncle?

Of course from reading all of the write-ups about Dorothy Nesbitt, she was a very gifted and talented person who never stopped achieving during her 91 years. So Dorothy herself is probably the biggest factor in her success at leaving home at 15. However, we can not diminish the power of parenting. Dorothy had to have had parents who saw “her leaving home” as an opportunity for her future.

What was it about living in “the South” in or about 1935 that drove my mother back home to Fort Wayne? I know my mother liked her aunt, Julia, and uncle, Tim. I have family photographs showing me with them at their home in Fort Wayne. She trusted them enough to leave me in their care when I was a toddler. I heard stories about them. In fact my parents built our house down the road from their property. So why did my mom not see living with them in Birmingham, Alabama as an opportunity to finish school and go to college? Did my mom feel a need to work and help her family through the hardships of the Great Depression? Did my mom feel guilty because of her good luck? Did my mom just plain miss her siblings? Now, sadly, I can only surmise what her reasons were for not wanting to leave home.

 * StarNews Obituaries: John Addison Spencer, Winston-Salem, NC, 1927-2012